My Awesome Experience January 2013

Anne Partain

On Saturday, December 29th, while still telling our Christmas guests goodbye, Ken and I both came down with the Flu. Ken was real sick, real fast and he stayed sick until Thursday, January 3rd. when he began to feel better and better. Slowly though, this was a harsh sickness for both of us.

My sickness was very harsh too, but unlike normal, I couldn’t get out of bed this time, I had no energy and I felt awful. I’ve never been so sick, ever… So here’s my ‘to make a very long story short’…

11 days of bed, fever, nausea,  diarrhea, coughing, chest pains, head congestion, ear infections, two doctor visits, fear, worry, stress, self judgment, trust, hope, willingness, anger and sadness…… And then on day 12 came clarity of understanding and freedom and i began getting a little better each day.

It was so hard to keep remembering that I was not forgotten and that this was for my good and that if I didn’t die, I was going to reap a great benefit from something so powerful and if I did die, that that would be ok too.

MySelf wanted my attention and it got it. And I, from this side wanted to have the next understanding and have decided a while ago that everything that comes to me, small or large is for my enlightenment, that’s how much I want to remember who I Am.

So here it is as it came to me, my new understanding, as a blast of clarity…

I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG nor CAN I DO ANYTHING WRONG….

it has all been Life (not Anne) creating and coursing just as planned, wondrously and intentionally carrying out it’s purposes and ways. Not something I could ever understand from here. I saw it, and I understood it…

I didn’t read any books or see any facebook ideas, I just lay there day after day allowing my self to feel and allowing all the crazy thoughts to come. No TV, just the idea of TV made my normal level of nausea go through the roof. No radio, no words, no visitors. Just me there, completely helpless to help myself, thrown on the doorstep of Life, and totally at it’s mercy. But I had a knowing, a trust that Life would not let me down.

And then the next part came…

NOBODY HAS EVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG nor COULD THEY DO ANYTHING WRONG.

With the total acceptance of these two ideas, the entire part of my mind carrying judgment about what I have done, should do, will do next, what others have done, will do or are doing… went quiet. And it hasn’t picked back up, if an idea comes that doesn’t feel good/judgment that says something about what I did or someone might do, etc. the knowing part of me reminds the thought that it’s not possible for us to get it wrong and that Life will flow as it chooses, then the thought stops.

I have no idea how Life brought this around to me, just the little bit I’ve shared here, but it is a silence and a peace that i have not known before.

There’s more that has come, more understandings, but those are for another post.

I also want to say how much I appreciate Ken’s caring for me, he helped me in so many ways during my sickness.  Thank you!  and I so appreciate everybody who knew I was sick and sent prayers, love, healing and hope my way and I appreciate the feeling of sharing these words here….

Comments

  1. Wow. I am sorry about the illness, but I must tell you I love these thoughts Life has brought.
    I wish and hope I can say that and truly, deeply mean that. I, too, have retreated. I have stayed
    home. I have curled in balls and cried. I was sick, well and sick again. I have gone through such
    a deep and profound transformation, that I am not sure where it is going to lead me, I only know this is something I must do and I must do now.

    So many signals around me, the apartment complex being not-so-okay, the misunderstandings, the people, my gah, those PEOPLE. I am shutting them down and out as fast as I can. And while I will do
    some things out of the house, here and there, I think I am best suited to be here, with my family, with my writing and with myself. (and look forward to Thursdays at 3)

  2. Hi Renee, yes, it seems many of us are having transforming experiences. I am glad for you dear….

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